MY Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

  I have been very good this year. Well pretty good.Most of  the mistakes I made were either for love, money or self-preservation. Of course ,there were a few just absolutely dumbass things I did just to make sure I remain human. 

  Here is my Christmas list. In order of want, and not necessarily need:

   1. A proposal from Mark. I will say yes of course. So make sure it's a serious one.

  2 A new home, and if you give me the first thing on my list then this obviously won't be necessary. See, you'll save time and money. One less thing. I just think that I have worn out my welcome here. The landlord's wife found out what he did and now he is pissed at me. He is making my life a living nightmare. The snide comments and dirty looks are worse than the sexual harrassment I was facing. Time to go.

3. A new job. Not that I don't like the old one, and I appreciate that fact that I have a job at all considering the economy. I am just bored with waiting tables for a living and the pay sucks! A whole new career is what I am aiming for.

4.  New tires. See, I am not being greedy and asking for a whole new car, I just wanna be able to fix and maintain the one that I have. Once again if you will give me #3. then I can buy my own tires, and my own new place. So, I am really trying to make it easy for you.

5. Time with my girls. I have plenty of time, but if you could see fit to lighten their scedules just a bit.

and that's it. I don't want much... It doesn't seem a whole lot to ask...I will most certainly leave you cookies, milk and a carrot for the reindeer under the tree.

Love,

Michelle

PS. Say hello to Mrs. Claus and give the elves a hug for me...hey, I could always come to the North Pole and live and work with you at the toyshop!

Why is doing the right thing so costly?...while doing the wrong thing can be so easy...

I want something else...to get me thru this...semi-charmed kinda life...

Baby it's cold outside....and it's beginning to look alot like Christmas...Contrary to popular belief I have a love-hate relationship to this time of year. It arouses fond memories of yesteryears. As a child my Mother and Nana saw to it that Christmas-time was sheer magic, down to every small detail. From making decorated sugar cookies to leave for Santa, to walking around the neighborhood caroling, to riding in the car looking at Christmas lights. That's why I find it very hard, no matter how hard I try to be depressed this time of year. Even the past few years when I didn't even participate in the holidays at all, I still couldn't help but smile just in remembrance.

This year promises to be different. I AM working, so even though I don't have very much money, I am able to purchase a few gifts. Mark and I are actually "together" and although it's slow and methodical he does seem to be weaving me into he and Grace's life more and more. I am trying to be positive. I struggle daily with thoughts of giving up. Then something happens, he does something incredibly nice or looks at me a certain way and my heart melts all over again and hope takes over.
Hope, it seems to be all that I have.
The other nite I spent the night with him and Grace. Waking up in his arms was a gift. I just wish that he shared the longing to do that every day. I simply don't understand why he doesn't. Or if he does, why he cannot overcome the fear that he has. The fear of rejection, the fear of dissappointing his family. It's so not fair to be so much in love, to be so happy and yet so miserable at the same time. I feel as if I am constantly living in limbo. Waiting...I have been waiting now for twenty years. I must be stupid. Yet, everytime I swear I am gonna give up and leave the relationship for good, he pulls me back in.
God, once and for all do your thing. Give me the strength to leave him for good, and send me someone worthy of spending my life with or smack him in the back of the head and make him realize what he has done...

PERVERT

Appearantly my landlord didn't get it or simply doesn't care how I feel. He continues to try to hug on me and kiss on me constantly and it's really annoying!  I have told him in NO uncertain terms that I don't like it. I don't want to risk losing a roof over my head. So I don't dare tell his wife. He has me stuck between a rock and a hard place. I guess he assumes since he has helped me out this gives him the right to sexually harass me...He is really beginning to give me the creeps.

Determination or stupidity...

I often wonder if my stubborness can be considered "determination" or shear stupidity.

I obviously decided not to quit my job, although I have filled out

a few on-line applications.

I really do enjoy what I do. Although I always saw myself

to smart to be a server at a pancake house. I actually belong to

mensa with the IQ of near genius. Talk about underachieving.

Is it that I am afraid to fail? Probably more like fear of success.

My ego was totally shot when I lost my last nursing job. I always

identified myself as a nurse. It's actually kinda cool doing something easy like serving pancakes.

I was an excellent nurse, but a lousy game player. I had some real difficulty playing office politics. I am too hot headed especially when I see others not doing their job. I mean if a fellow waitress screws up all the harm that will come is pissing a customer off. If a fellow nurse doesn't do their job they could very well kill someone. I found it very frustrating to say the least. I found myself angry almost every day. I couldn't believe the number of healthcare professionals who simply didn't give a rat's ass about their patients. Especially doctors. They practice medicine out of a checkbook, just so they can get reimbersed from medicare and insurance companies. And with the new dictator we have in office, I only see the situation becoming worse....It's already a mess with people selling medical supplies that aren't needed just because "medicare will pay for it". Others are denied the actually care and tests they really need because some suit in an office who has never studied medicine deems it "unnecessisary". It was exhausting just to watch!

I really do wish I could have found someone to work for who shared these ideals. I never did. So I will stay a broke waitress for a while.

Hey, if there are any physicians in the Augusta area, who still believe in healing patients despite insurance companies and medicare, who still believe in taking care of the whole person, and actually listen to what the patient, family and the nurse tell them, let me know if you would like to hire a very intelligent, hard-working, out-spoken nurse who nurses with her heart.

The right tool for the right job

I hate my job and very well may quit today. My boss gives me a job to do that is undoable. She tells me to dig a big hole, hands me a fork...then stands behind me with the shovel awaiting my failure...I need her to hand ME the shovel. In other words unless she gives me the right tools to perform my job I won't be able to.
I sincerely hope that is not her intentions.

Somedays being nice, going beyond the call of duty just sucks. Especially when you haven't got any more to give. I am physically-spent...you are welcome mr.

Obama did what?

Now I have heard of dumb ideas...but this takes the cake. Please explain to me why in this day and age of video conferencing would he spend almost a half million dollars(Yes, a half million) to fly him, his car and his entourage to New Orleans to "discuss" what to do about Katrina's continuing damage.
Here's an idea! Why not spend a few bucks on a phone or video conference and spend the half million to assist with rebuild?
Well, needless to say, he didn't ask me first or I would have told him.
How do you spell stupid?  US GOVERNMENT

Drama, Drama, Drama! I give up

And to top that I also found out yesterday that I  have to find a new place to live...before Thanksgiving! I really was happy here...But the man told me yesterday that I am losing my room for 4days Thanksgiving weekend. That means I am once again homeless or at least it feels like it. I mean if I have to pack up my entire room (that I just finished putting together) for four days everytime he has company. Well, that's no home...I certainly am not gonna leave all my stuff in it for God knows who to plunder through. I don't know these people. I would feel very funny about it. And if I am "renting" this room, then I really shouldn't have to do that. Especially when he knows I have no where else to go, and I can hardly afford to pay him the money I owe him right now, much less get a hotel for 4days....I wonder if I had let him stick his tongue down my throat if he would have done this...I think he is hinting for me to move. At least that is the feeling that I get. Even the cheapest ones are out of my price range. What I am gonna have to end up doing is putting all my stuff in storage, tell him that I rented a hotel and sleep in the car. Maybe Mark will at least let me take a shower at his house...Although he is mad at me too right now. He had better get in line though. There are about 42 people ahead of him today....

Don't Pee on my leg and try to tell me it's raining...

How nieve' am I? I truly thought that the gentleman, and I now use that term very loosely, that I am renting from was just that! I truly thought of him as a father figure, a good "christian" man, who just honestly was only looking to serve God by helping others get back on their feet. I once again feel I have been duped! This 78yr old man actually tried to stick his tongue in my mouth, told me that he and his "wife" had only a business type arrangement and there was "no love there" and then proceeded to tell me that although he had been "impotent" for years that since I have been here, he felt the first "stirring" in his loins. Well, I quickly turned down his advances. I told him it was only temptation from the devil and reguardless he was in fact, a married man. I told him that what he was feeling was wrong and I thought too much of his wife to betray her. He tried to say,"there is nothing wrong with what I feel". Then I really had to pull the God card and told him to discuss the matter with his wife and pastor and get back to me. And to add insult to injury he asked if I was acting different because he lent me money. I told him that,"you kinda freaked me out and scared me with all that business and it had NOTHING to do with lending me money and instead of apologizing he had the nerve to tell me yesterday that I "MISUNDERSTOOD" his intentions????? Just what part of him attempting to stick his tongue down my throat didn't I understand. PLEASE!! Now, I am not stupid, don't like to be treated as if I am, and I would have had a whole lot more respect for this man had he just been somewhat honest and claimed he'd had a moment of weakness, that he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. Now, understand this man is in "church" every time the doors are open. So, not only has he shaken my judgement of people, but he has seriously shaken my Faith...Then to insult my intelligence, he tells me I misunderstood. I am hurt beyond belief! The scary thing is I am having to walk on eggshells, he has somewhat of a pouty temper...I don't wanna end up on the street. I gotta get outa here and fast. I truly thought he thought of me as a daughter, and that gives me the creeps that he would put me in this position knowing that I have no where else to go.


Then today he tells me that I have to "disappear" for 3days during the Thanksgiving Holiday. Now what am I supposed to do? I can't afford a hotel room! I am supposed to be "renting" a room, not renting when it's convienient. And what about my things? Am I supposed to leave them here for strangers to go through? I don't think so...I will have to pack it up I guess. God ,I am SO mad at you, I thought you sent me a friend and an angel, and now I find you sent me a dirty old man who is now embarrassed that he couldn't get in my pants! I guess this is his way of hinting that I should move out...Well, I certainly hope he really didn't think I would have that kind of relationship with him...I guess some women would... But no thank you....I am not that hungry, and I will live in my car first....I really thought he was different...

Tests and Trials

Sometimes what we are looking for can be right in front of us and we don't even see it. I haven't really acted on it, but a gentlemen that I have been giving a ride to for the past few monthes has voiced his interest in seeing me. I have considered the idea, but wanted to break all ties with Mark first. I don't want to hurt this man. And I certainly hate to hurt Mark, but it's not as if he hasn't had the option. He knows what I want and how I feel. I think it may be time to truly move on. It's amazing the thoughts that a stolen kiss can run through your mind. He seems genuine, honest, hard working and definately attractive. I am feeling like a high-school girl with a crush complete with butterflies. There IS a racial issue. Not for us, but for others around us. Jealousy and attutudes are certainly giving us some tests and trials. Even just being friends. But in the last few monthes we have become fast friends...I hope Mark realizes what he is about to lose to another...Maybe I am onto something incredible here. I am just going to take this slow and let it blossom on it's own.

Changing Seasons

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY....NO DRAMA....

Fall is in the air. You can smell the leaves beginning to turn and even in the sultry Georgia sunshine you can feel a crispness when the breeze blows. I am a season turner. Good changes
always seem to come about in spring when the first buds blossom on the dogwoods and in the fall when God brushes them with the first hint of orange. Maybe because I easily get stuck in a rut and the seasons changing reminds my spirit that I can too. Who knows.
I mowed a lawn today. Can you believe that I am 45 years old and have never mowed grass. Well not an entire lawn. It was actually fun! It was a very nice riding lawn mower so you can't actually call it work but in my defense I did get quite dirty. And I made 10 bucks. So....I felt like I accomplished something useful for a change.
Today was Grace's last softball game. The team kicked butt! She really kicked butt! Made two double plays as short-stop. The score was 17-7, her team. Go Warriors. I will miss the excuse to see her Dad.
Have things changed between her Dad and I? No. Well I gave into my hormones once and probably will again. I know he's not going to buy the cow if he can get the milk for free. But I saw a great quote on-line somewhere: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Beef. Just my luck the bastard is a vegetarian, right? But, I have needs and it is nice to pretend you're loved even if only for an hour or so. I have to stop making this my issue it's only his fear of commitment, it's not even that really. It's more of a fear of loss of independence. His mother put it best today at the ballgame when she called him a "dictator, control freak". Of course, he comes by it honest and gets it from her.

Just when I thought I was rich by having one close trusted friend. I learned today that there is no such thing.
Being an empath sucks.

Quote o the day- just because you put yourself in hell doesn't make it any less hot.
Chelle...

Word of the day: sadness... Action of the day: tears... Wish of the day: same as always-a family.

Doing the right thing can kill ya...

I don't know why it continues to surprise me but it does. Doing the right thing and having a good heart can get you in more trouble! Losing my mentor hasn't helped either. Mark was very good when it came to office politics. I suck at it. I never seem to get it through my head that it is all a game, a game that I don't play very well. You would think that loyalty, honesty and hard work would pay off. It doesn't. Most of the time the thieves, cheats, and scoundrels get ahead. At least that has proven true where I work. Every time that I try and do the "right thing", I am punished for it.So I have decided, against my better judgement that I am gonna have to: see no evil, hear no evil as well as do no evil. It goes against my belief system, but until I find another job, I am just gonna have to keep my own nose clean and look the other way. We have too many folks there who love to point fingers at any "little thing" that I do wrong, and it's only to keep the management looking the other way. For instance, Grace and Mark came in last night to eat. Usually what I do is wait on them and just show the ticket to the team leader so she will know that I rang up the food correctly. That way I know they get good service and I can pay for Graces food out of my pocket. Well last night the team leader had a fit, wouldn't let me wait on them, and I so wanted to see him for a few minutes. Then because I pitched a fit, she wrote me up. I pitched a fit because ten minutes earlier another girl waited on her mother in law, and she didn't know that I knew it but the team leader herself had waited on her boyfriend the night before and was asking the cook to do stuff like "add some extra eggs to that". I just wanted to impress him as we are on the rocks right now and you guessed it. They screwed up his order forgot to give him his coffee, and I ended up doing all the work anyway.I am having a really difficult time at work lately. No, I didn't tattletale. The last time I tattled I ended up getting in trouble. I guess she figured I would do something like she did. She blamed it on following the rules, but I notice she picks and chooses which rules she is gonna follow. Just little things like that drive me nuts! I have got to pray about it...hard. I really do need to find another job. Besides, I obviously am not going to make team leader. I am going to wait and see what the schedule looks like when the manager comes back from vacation. I have a feeling it's not going to happen though. And without that extra 2 dollars an hour, I can't afford the insurance...I have a tumor on my back that needs to be removed though and it will be a pre-existing condition if I go to the doctors. It's becoming quite painful. I am afraid that soon I will be unable to bear it.


So what do you guys think? Does it pay to be nice? Is doing the right thing worth it? I am curious as to your opinions. I personally think it still does, if you do it for the right reason. That's the hard part. You can't do it for any other reason except to please God. Invariably no one else is gonna be pleased anyway.But it's hard when you are catching the devil to remember that.

But I am gonna try. I am gonna pray hard, and continue to do my job to the best of my ability. I know that there are a very few of us left at my job that do care. At least the customers do notice. It shows in their tips, I average no less that 22% of my net sales per night, and I receive at least one or two comment cards a week. If they are happy, the owner should be. We shall see.

God's Sense of Humor

Be careful what u wish for. I asked God for a home and a family, I meant with Grace and Mark. I GOT a home and a family, but it was with a beautiful couple that I met as customers through my job. I am now renting a room from an elderly couple. But I got more than a room. They have literally taken me in as an adopted daughter. Especially, Mr. Jack, the old man. He is 76 yrs. old, and has truly a heart of gold. I watch him daily. He is a good Christian man, and I see his giving spirit. He never lets it get him down when he helps someone that takes advantage of his generosity. It seems he helps others for the pleasure of God and not for his own. It's truly a blessing just to see. He also has let me help him do a side job with him, he does heating and air. It gave me some extra money to pay bills. So now not only do I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, but love in my heart. I am so undeserving. Mr. Jack serves as a wonderful mentor. His wisdom has carried me through some rough days. I have gained the strength to let Mark know that we can either get married and be life partners and do something with this awesome love we share or end this once and for all. Eighteen years is long enough for a relationship to grow...

Dear God

Dear God,
Give me strength today. Help me to focus on the project ahead and not on the emotions attached to it. Lead me, guide me and hold my hand in yours.

Amen

Dazed and Confused

The saga continues...Things don't appear to be improving on the "home front". Of course, I guess if you have no home then "home front" is a kind of oxymoronic idiom. I know, I am feeling sorry for myself...AGAIN. I seem to be doing an awful lot of that lately. I realize that it is such an unbecoming characteristic, especially when you really want to be appealing. I think I should give up entirely on that note. Appearantly, Mark is not the one. He said to me the other day, "so what, you want me to support you?". I said,"of course not!" I lied. Financially, no. I don't but emotionally. Yeah, I would like him to put forth a smidge of effort. I don't get it. I want to understand his point of view. I really do. It's just that when I listen to his reasoning. All that I hear is that I am just not good enough, or I don't make enough money, or I am just too big of a screw-up. I really don't understand. People keep asking me. "Why if you and Mark are together, do you need a place to live?" What can I say?: " I don't know." "We aren't ready?" Does this mean if I was on my feet, making a good living,and being "responsible" that if we were married and something happened and I got Obamatized and laid off that he would divorce me? How could I have any faith that he wouldn't with what he has shown me now? When I need him most he resents the hell out of me or simply chooses not to be there.
I know they think he is awful. Sometimes I do too. I have always been able to make excuses for our strange relationship in the past. This time I am finding that harder and harder to do. Hell, I have had at least half a dozen offers from other men. Granted, according to Mark's opinion as soon as they got to know me that they would kick me out. Now I do have one good friend, Danna. I have told her the entire story, not withholding my downfall and failings over the past years. She still thinks that I am foolish for even considering to continue any kind of relationship with Mark. I know in my heart that we are virtually over and that he is just biding his time with me until he can find a way to end this dignity. Or drag it out so he can see me when he needs his physical needs met. That's not fair. I know he loves me. At least I thought he did...So, why can't we be a family? What the hell is so wrong with us getting married and being a family. Grace deserves that. She has been through so much. These last few weeks that I have been here she has told me how glad she is that I am here. We stayed up into the wee hours of the night the other night and talked and talked. It was incredible. She will miss that. Today, I got to take her to the doctor for a physical. Such a small task that most parents take for granted. Not me. I cherish every single moment that we spend. I already miss that. She will miss me. I so don't want to let her go again. I know I won't be far and I am always a phone call away, it's just not the same as having "mom" there. Not the same as cooking supper together, waking her up in the morning, tucking her in at night, tip-toeing in to watch her sleep. Just the mundane acts that families do together I have just gotten to taste of again, only to have to give up. I can't believe how selfish that man is being. Am I that difficult to live with, that he has to deprive the child of having a real mom ? It would seem so. I really am just totally dazed, confused and alone. I almost wish I still did the drugs at least it numbed the pain....and what did I gain by stopping? I forget.

Rediscovering Motherhood

It's a shame that my sixteen year daughter, Grace, has to hurt so terribly. She is being rezoned for school. So all her friends, extracurricular activities like band and softball, and her boyfriend will be left behind. She knows its a new beginning with a chance to open many new doors and new relationships, but it's so hard for her leaving the old ones behind. Of course they will still be there but not in the same way. She will still have the boyfriend, but he will be at her old school. She will still be in the band, but not one of the top established high school bands in the area. She will still have softball, but new school, new kids, new teachers...We so wanted to skirt the rules and allow her to continue her education at the old one. But after weighing the whole situation, her Dad, Grandma and I came to the unanimous decision that it was worth causing her extreme sadness and
pain in order NOT to teach her that if you don't like the rules you can just go around them. That is not a lesson that you want to teach your child of any age. You teach them to "change" the rules that you don't like. Not to break them.

The part I am wrestling with the most...It was incredible to be part of the decision making again. Her Dad and I really worked together on this one. I hate being so overjoyed that today she actually came to me and confided in me at how she felt. Because she is so distraught over this. But, she did come to me. Today I feel like once again I gave birth. I am sitting here crying tears of joy...because I was a part of this whole family crisis and my opinion was listened to and respected by the whole family, even Mark's mother. She and I have history. I just wish it wasn't at Grace's expense. I have the utmost confidence that my daughter will turn this around and be a better stronger person for going through this. I just wish for once something would be EASY for her. Her whole life has been a string of trials, and that is my fault entirely. Well her Dad as well, but 90% mine.

What is home?

It's been so long since I have felt "at home" that I am not really sure what having a home and family feels like. It's been years. Since I was married actually.That was 22years ago. The sad part is that I took it for granted. I never thought about it. Now that I don't have either a home or a family it's all I can think about. I mean I have had places that I call "home", but I don't feel like I did when I was a kid and had a home. It's hard to describe that feeling. It's a confidence unmatched by anything..You can live in a million dollar mansion and not feel "at home".It's been so difficult for me this week. I was so incredibly happy on Tuesday, thinking that finally Mark and I were going to be a family with Grace and that I would finally not just have a place to live but that I would finally once again have a true honest to God "home". The world was at my feet, and I was ready to take on anything. I could have conquered the world. I feel as if the rug has once again been snatched out from under me. I love him so much it hurts. I am so going to miss sneaking a peek at Grace in the middle of the night as she slept. Being their every day with her. Finally, I had my baby back. I already miss waking up beside Mark(I have been sleeping on the couch because I can hardly look him in the eye after what he has done much less lay with him), and holding hands as we fell asleep...to me THAT was coming home. I can't believe this nightmare. I wish I would wake up like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Because there really is: No place like home.

It's been so long since I have felt "at home" that I am not really sure what having a home and family feels like. It's been years. Since I was married actually.That was 22years ago. The sad part is that I took it for granted. I never thought about it. Now that I don't have either a home or a family it's all I can think about. I mean I have had places that I call "home", but I don't feel like I did when I was a kid and had a home. I'ts hard to describe that feeling. It's a confidence unmatched by anything..You can live in a million dollar mansion and not feel "at home".It's been so difficult for me this week. I was so incredibly happy on Tuesday, thinking that finally Mark and I were going to be a family with Grace and that I would finally not just have a place to live but that I would finally once again have a true honest to God "home". The world was at my feet, and I was ready to take on anything. I could have conquered the world. I feel as if the rug has once again been snatched out from under me. I love him so much it hurts. I am so going to miss sneaking a peek at Grace in the middle of the night as she sleeps. Being their every day with her. Finally, I thought I had my baby back. I already miss waking up beside Mark(I have been sleeping on the couch because I can hardly look him in the eye after what he has done much less lay with him), and holding hands as we fell asleep...to me THAT was coming home. I can't believe this nightmare. I wish I would wake up like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Because there really is:

No place like home.

dealbreakers

What is a "dealbreaker"? This is what I have to decide...I am putting alot of thought into this one. I really think this is it...The way Mark freaked out at the thought of me moving in permanently may very well be a dealbreaker for me. I refuse to think that I am going to live alone for the rest of my life. As much as I love him, I am seriously considering ending this relationship and for good. I am too old for this, and so is he. It has run it's course and has no where else to go. I am a vibrant, sexy, intelligent 45 year old with a lot to offer. I just might have to settle for finding someone else. Who knows that may just be God's plan. I am still planning to be his friend. I don't want to fight about this. I just see absolutly no reason for us to continue having a relationship that is stagnant. For crying out loud after 18yrs you know if you wanna be with someone or not. He obviously doesn't and is afraid to hurt my feelings. I've got news for him. He would have hurt me alot less if he had been straight with me from jump street and just said he wanted a physical relationship with no strings attached.. I deserve better than this, and I refuse to settle for less. I want a partner in life. I won't be misled into thinking that there is anything wrong with that. There isn't...Just cause he's content to be alone in life doesn't mean that the rest of the planet feels that way. I certainly don't.
Today I got a lot of busy work done, and even made time to volunteer at the YMCA for a few hours. Mainly so I could be away from here and not have to face him. The less we talk at this point the better. I am still hurt and don't want him to see me cry like a baby anymore. And I don't wanna say anything else I will regret later. Just because he has hurt me, doesn't mean I wanna hurt him. So the less time I spend with him the better. I need to begin to pull away from him physically and emotionally. At least until I am sure that I want to let this go. Frankly, I really think it is best that I do...I don't think my heart can take any more from him...the thing is if I were making enough money to be "responsible" and could afford my bills he would expect me to buy a house and still live alone, and I,on the other hand, would live in a card board box and be perfectly happy just to wake up next to him. Now granted I am exaggerating for effect but you get the idea. He's using my dire straits as an excuse for us not to be together. I guess I was hoping to use it as an excuse to be together and God would go from there. I feel kinda like an idiot for being wrong. I honestly had no idea he resented me so much...Seems every time, I need him he makes a notch on his scorecard. I thought his scorecard had been long thrown away. He just had it stuck in his back pocket.

And then I awoke from the beautiful dream...

...and entered back to the nightmare I have so fondly come to know as my reality. I was absolutely wrong...I have nothing to fear at all. I don't have to worry about screwing this up at all. Because apparently he could care less where I live. Just as long as it's not with him and my child. Whoa. I honestly didn't see that coming. I should have. I know, but I didn't. Well, maybe I kinda did and that's why this whole thing has gone unspoken. Somewhere in the depths of my heart I think I knew that he didn't want me here with him. I just couldn't bare to hear the words and as long as he didn't say it out loud then it wasn't true.

He can't understand why I cried like a baby and berated me for it. He said I am acting like a two year old throwing a fit because she can't have her way. Why do I cry? I cry because my hearts broken. Yeah, I suppose he's right. I am not getting what I want. Someone that loves me enough to wanna know that I am ok, and loves me enough to want to be there for me when I need him without having to ask. And someone who want's to spend his life with the woman he supposedly loves. Right now I am just crying cause I have no idea what I am going to do. once again, I didn't have to have him help me. I wanted him to want to. I wanted a partner in this mess. Yes, it's my mess and I take full responsibility for it. But does that sentence me to life imprisoned alone? Am I so broken that I have nothing to offer anyone? He didn't think that this morning... Guess I will start looking at rooms to rent, I am gonna need a place to live. And I have to start seriously thinking about exploring other options with this relationship. If it's never gonna go any further than this then I am at a point in my life that I don't want this. I am too old and too tired to spend the rest of my life alone...And if I must be alone for now then I need to be alone by myself and not with Mark.

Starting Over-Day one

I should be overwhelmed with joy. Finally my life smells like the first day of spring after a long cold dark winter. Yet, I can hardly describe what I am feeling today as happiness. The words I'd use: FRIGHT, ANXIETY, EXTREME CAUTION, AND PURE NAUSEA.
See, the right thing is happening- I am moving in full time for a while with my soul mate and our sixteen year old finally, after eighteen years of being together off and on and playing weekend warriors. But I am doing it for all the wrong reasons- I screwed up and got evicted. I couldn't pay my rent after paying an extremely large ticket for having no car insurance. (that's a story in itself)

You could say I am another casualty of Obama's sad economy. You could, but you'd be a liar. Every financial problem I am suffering right now is my own damn fault. A few years ago I found myself trying to self medicate to kill my emotional and physical pain with painkillers. I killed it alright, but along with killing the pain a few innocent bystanders were murdered as well. Including my relation-ship with Mark and our daughter Grace (not their real names), my nursing career, and my self-esteem. All dead. It took a long time and a very large bitter slice of humble pie to resurrect those relationships and my career I simply buried. So now I find myself about to embark on the adventure of a lifetime.(at least my lifetime) I want to be happy about it. I do, But communication has not been the shiniest tool in our box. Mark and I are no where near ready to take this step. . . and I swore that I would never live with him again unless we were married. He doesn't want this either. How can I dare be happy?

Then there is the knowledge that if we screw this up this time--that's it. End of fairytale. How do we not screw this up? And now if I don't move in with him knowing I need a place to live, then why the heck are we together anyway? If I only stay temporarily (that's the plan) then it says I have no faith in us as a couple. I am not sure that I have much faith in us as a couple. I want to. I just am afraid to trust what I think he feels and when he tells me how he feels I don't understand it.

I think we could make this work with ALOT of effort and hard work from the both of us. At least I am willing to try. So far so good, I have been there a week and things seem to be going well...But I am afraid to ask. We really haven't even discussed it. Neither of us want to actually say it out loud. Sometimes I wonder if this isn't God's twisted sense of humor forcing the two of us to give Grace a real family with a mom and dad in the same house. Even she is antsy about this.

It's not as if we are not in love. We are very much in love, and other than being afraid to let ourselves be happy, it's been great. Our relationship recently is better than it has ever been. Especially in the bedroom. However Mark's mother and twenty four year old daughter Kelly are going to have a cow! They are going to really test his loyalty. I only hope he can stick up for what he is doing being the right thing. It's a shame he is going to have to face that. It really is not fair that they put him in the middle...and make him feel guilty for being in love with me and sticking with me like he has through thick and thin. After all aren't you supposed to love, honor and cherish each other for richer/poorer, sickness/health, better/worse as long as you both shall live? He has done a beautiful job living up to those vows even though he won't say them out loud in front of the priest.

We shall see...let me go and pack and pray.

Welcome

Hello and welcome to my new blog space. I look forward to sharing my life, stories, ideas, and opinions with you. Surely you will find them as fascinating and fun-filled as I do.lol. I have never attempted a blog before so bear with me as I bare my soul.
Pointers and opinions are welcome. Criticism is not, no matter how constructive as you will learn I am a tender-hearted insecure soul. I will have my profile and opening completed soon.