I seem to be stuck...or at least it feels that way. I have been in a deep depression for the last couple of monthes. It's all I can do to get out of bed and go to work...I know what I want and where I want my life to go...I just don't know where to start and I am not sure that I have the means to get there....It's like standing in front of the ocean, knowing you have to get to the other side, afraid to step into the water because you know you can't possibly swim that far....

Magic

It's just a magical time to be alive. The snow we got this weekend, being so loved on Valentine's Day. I seem to be overwelmed with joy. The promise I made to "Mark" a few weeks ago: not mentioning the "Marriage" word for a few monthes, is getting easier. It was ridiculously hard at first. How do you stop talking about the one dream that means more to you than life itself? But now that the pressure seems to be lifted from him, he must be finally finding the joy in me again. I now see the love in his eyes he has for me, I feel it in his touch once again and I can almost taste it in his kisses.

I no longer find the need to "rag" him about it at every turn and it seems to have helped tremendously.

Things between he and I are better than they have been in soo long.

It's amazing to me that we have been at this for almost twenty years now, and I am still as in love with him as I was the day he came up behind me at work while I did a crossword puzzle and whispered the answer in my ear. From that moment on I was hooked. I knew he was my soulmate and that no matter what, I would spend the rest of my life loving this man. It's as if God created him souly to be my partner in life. No one else will ever surfice. He is my best friend, my confidant, the best lover I have ever known and knowing he feels the same way of me can never be replaced by any ring or piece of paper. I still long for the day that we make it official, but I know it will come in due time. First his middle daughter must come around. And believe it or not I do believe that it will happen soon enough....I wouldn't dare even want to marry him if it meant alienating her....It wouldn't be worth it. So, I place it in God's hands. May she find a way to want her father to be happy and married to the woman he loves....

Letter to a friend...

A "friend of mine" posted the following on facebook, and this was my response:

IT'S A SHAME THAT SOME PEOPLE LIVE FOR YEARS AND NEVER ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING BUT ALWAYS SAY PEOPLE MISTREAT THEM ,GET UP AND DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF STOP LOOKING FOR PEOPLE TO DO FOR YOU WHEN ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS WANT SOMETHING OUT OF LIFE FOR YOU. IF YOU ARE OVER 40 AND STILL HAS NOTHING SOMETHING IS WRONG SO FRIENDS PLEASE CHECK YOURSELF AND GET YOUR OWN!!!!!

I am truly sorry that I had to work and was unable to attend this weekend. I sincerely don't think that it was and I hope that your post was not directed to me, but I must tell you I took a little offense because it very well COULD have been me that you were describing. Because of a combination of my own mistakes (of which I wouldn't change because I learned some wonderful life lessons and they made me the woman I am today) and because of some unfortunate life circumstances, I am 45 years old and depending on how you describe SUCCESS I don't have a pot to pee-pee in. I have a broken down 1995 Saturn that is on it's last leg, I work as a shift supervisor at IHOP and rent a room from a lovely elderly couple in Martinez. However, I am rich beyond belief with love from my family, and friends. I have learned that "money" and the love thereof doesn't define you or make you happy. There are much more important things in life. I have struggled just to stay alive these past few years, there were nights I went to bed crying because I had no clue how I would pay my rent or where my next meal would come from. I was TOO proud to be "government funded" and had too much CLASS to depend on a MAN (nothing better than being legal prostitution) for these things. Were it not but for the grace of GOD and a few good loving friends HE sent me to help me, I would probably be sleeping in the streets right now. But that being said...from the viewpoint of others it may seem that I am one of those LOSERS you talk of, but I am proud of the accomplishments I have made as small as they may seem. And although I don't own a big fancy house, a new car or a career any longer, you can't take those things with you when you go. I can rest with ease at night though knowing that the things I HAVE will carry on long after I leave this world.


Tina, I don't know who upset you or who hurt you...but I hope that you will take a step back back and think about what you said. Not everyone who is worth a crap has those things. There ARE even those who YOU would define as SUCCESSFUL, that I would not pee on if they were on fire, because money and success have turned them into cold, cruel, gossiping, deceitful, unloving, and in my opinion sorry excuses for human beings. Part of my life lesson was learning that so many people from all walks of life have so much to offer the world even if they don't have a dime to their name. I had to learn true honest to God "humility", and it wasn't easy to swallow. Define people by their character, not their social class.

I hope this doesn't make you angry, it wasn't meant to. It was only meant to share some insight from someone who has been there, done that and couldn't afford the T-shirt.

I love you girl, and I hope whomever hurt you will apologize. But I had to tell you where I stand on this...No, "Amen!" from the back pew here, what you wrote 'sounded' mean. I know you better than that.



Love you,

Michelle

Reid's "RACISM" gimme a break

Hold up. Resign? Last time I checked we had freedom of speech in this country. Or at least we used to. Let's review "what" he said....  First of all he said Obama was electable, gee that turned out true. Secondly, He said Obama was light-skinned...wait let me check...oh my..he is! ok and he said he doesn't speak with a "negro dialect" hold on...wait...he's right he doesn't..Unless he's on the court. hmmm these aren't "racist" remarks, they are true statements..and I don't see any malace in them..I think there are more important, and real issues in this country to tend to. Like joblessness and terrorism.

MY Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

  I have been very good this year. Well pretty good.Most of  the mistakes I made were either for love, money or self-preservation. Of course ,there were a few just absolutely dumbass things I did just to make sure I remain human. 

  Here is my Christmas list. In order of want, and not necessarily need:

   1. A proposal from Mark. I will say yes of course. So make sure it's a serious one.

  2 A new home, and if you give me the first thing on my list then this obviously won't be necessary. See, you'll save time and money. One less thing. I just think that I have worn out my welcome here. The landlord's wife found out what he did and now he is pissed at me. He is making my life a living nightmare. The snide comments and dirty looks are worse than the sexual harrassment I was facing. Time to go.

3. A new job. Not that I don't like the old one, and I appreciate that fact that I have a job at all considering the economy. I am just bored with waiting tables for a living and the pay sucks! A whole new career is what I am aiming for.

4.  New tires. See, I am not being greedy and asking for a whole new car, I just wanna be able to fix and maintain the one that I have. Once again if you will give me #3. then I can buy my own tires, and my own new place. So, I am really trying to make it easy for you.

5. Time with my girls. I have plenty of time, but if you could see fit to lighten their scedules just a bit.

and that's it. I don't want much... It doesn't seem a whole lot to ask...I will most certainly leave you cookies, milk and a carrot for the reindeer under the tree.

Love,

Michelle

PS. Say hello to Mrs. Claus and give the elves a hug for me...hey, I could always come to the North Pole and live and work with you at the toyshop!

Why is doing the right thing so costly?...while doing the wrong thing can be so easy...

I want something else...to get me thru this...semi-charmed kinda life...

Baby it's cold outside....and it's beginning to look alot like Christmas...Contrary to popular belief I have a love-hate relationship to this time of year. It arouses fond memories of yesteryears. As a child my Mother and Nana saw to it that Christmas-time was sheer magic, down to every small detail. From making decorated sugar cookies to leave for Santa, to walking around the neighborhood caroling, to riding in the car looking at Christmas lights. That's why I find it very hard, no matter how hard I try to be depressed this time of year. Even the past few years when I didn't even participate in the holidays at all, I still couldn't help but smile just in remembrance.

This year promises to be different. I AM working, so even though I don't have very much money, I am able to purchase a few gifts. Mark and I are actually "together" and although it's slow and methodical he does seem to be weaving me into he and Grace's life more and more. I am trying to be positive. I struggle daily with thoughts of giving up. Then something happens, he does something incredibly nice or looks at me a certain way and my heart melts all over again and hope takes over.
Hope, it seems to be all that I have.
The other nite I spent the night with him and Grace. Waking up in his arms was a gift. I just wish that he shared the longing to do that every day. I simply don't understand why he doesn't. Or if he does, why he cannot overcome the fear that he has. The fear of rejection, the fear of dissappointing his family. It's so not fair to be so much in love, to be so happy and yet so miserable at the same time. I feel as if I am constantly living in limbo. Waiting...I have been waiting now for twenty years. I must be stupid. Yet, everytime I swear I am gonna give up and leave the relationship for good, he pulls me back in.
God, once and for all do your thing. Give me the strength to leave him for good, and send me someone worthy of spending my life with or smack him in the back of the head and make him realize what he has done...

PERVERT

Appearantly my landlord didn't get it or simply doesn't care how I feel. He continues to try to hug on me and kiss on me constantly and it's really annoying!  I have told him in NO uncertain terms that I don't like it. I don't want to risk losing a roof over my head. So I don't dare tell his wife. He has me stuck between a rock and a hard place. I guess he assumes since he has helped me out this gives him the right to sexually harass me...He is really beginning to give me the creeps.

Determination or stupidity...

I often wonder if my stubborness can be considered "determination" or shear stupidity.

I obviously decided not to quit my job, although I have filled out

a few on-line applications.

I really do enjoy what I do. Although I always saw myself

to smart to be a server at a pancake house. I actually belong to

mensa with the IQ of near genius. Talk about underachieving.

Is it that I am afraid to fail? Probably more like fear of success.

My ego was totally shot when I lost my last nursing job. I always

identified myself as a nurse. It's actually kinda cool doing something easy like serving pancakes.

I was an excellent nurse, but a lousy game player. I had some real difficulty playing office politics. I am too hot headed especially when I see others not doing their job. I mean if a fellow waitress screws up all the harm that will come is pissing a customer off. If a fellow nurse doesn't do their job they could very well kill someone. I found it very frustrating to say the least. I found myself angry almost every day. I couldn't believe the number of healthcare professionals who simply didn't give a rat's ass about their patients. Especially doctors. They practice medicine out of a checkbook, just so they can get reimbersed from medicare and insurance companies. And with the new dictator we have in office, I only see the situation becoming worse....It's already a mess with people selling medical supplies that aren't needed just because "medicare will pay for it". Others are denied the actually care and tests they really need because some suit in an office who has never studied medicine deems it "unnecessisary". It was exhausting just to watch!

I really do wish I could have found someone to work for who shared these ideals. I never did. So I will stay a broke waitress for a while.

Hey, if there are any physicians in the Augusta area, who still believe in healing patients despite insurance companies and medicare, who still believe in taking care of the whole person, and actually listen to what the patient, family and the nurse tell them, let me know if you would like to hire a very intelligent, hard-working, out-spoken nurse who nurses with her heart.

The right tool for the right job

I hate my job and very well may quit today. My boss gives me a job to do that is undoable. She tells me to dig a big hole, hands me a fork...then stands behind me with the shovel awaiting my failure...I need her to hand ME the shovel. In other words unless she gives me the right tools to perform my job I won't be able to.
I sincerely hope that is not her intentions.