Dear God

Dear God,
Give me strength today. Help me to focus on the project ahead and not on the emotions attached to it. Lead me, guide me and hold my hand in yours.

Amen

Dazed and Confused

The saga continues...Things don't appear to be improving on the "home front". Of course, I guess if you have no home then "home front" is a kind of oxymoronic idiom. I know, I am feeling sorry for myself...AGAIN. I seem to be doing an awful lot of that lately. I realize that it is such an unbecoming characteristic, especially when you really want to be appealing. I think I should give up entirely on that note. Appearantly, Mark is not the one. He said to me the other day, "so what, you want me to support you?". I said,"of course not!" I lied. Financially, no. I don't but emotionally. Yeah, I would like him to put forth a smidge of effort. I don't get it. I want to understand his point of view. I really do. It's just that when I listen to his reasoning. All that I hear is that I am just not good enough, or I don't make enough money, or I am just too big of a screw-up. I really don't understand. People keep asking me. "Why if you and Mark are together, do you need a place to live?" What can I say?: " I don't know." "We aren't ready?" Does this mean if I was on my feet, making a good living,and being "responsible" that if we were married and something happened and I got Obamatized and laid off that he would divorce me? How could I have any faith that he wouldn't with what he has shown me now? When I need him most he resents the hell out of me or simply chooses not to be there.
I know they think he is awful. Sometimes I do too. I have always been able to make excuses for our strange relationship in the past. This time I am finding that harder and harder to do. Hell, I have had at least half a dozen offers from other men. Granted, according to Mark's opinion as soon as they got to know me that they would kick me out. Now I do have one good friend, Danna. I have told her the entire story, not withholding my downfall and failings over the past years. She still thinks that I am foolish for even considering to continue any kind of relationship with Mark. I know in my heart that we are virtually over and that he is just biding his time with me until he can find a way to end this dignity. Or drag it out so he can see me when he needs his physical needs met. That's not fair. I know he loves me. At least I thought he did...So, why can't we be a family? What the hell is so wrong with us getting married and being a family. Grace deserves that. She has been through so much. These last few weeks that I have been here she has told me how glad she is that I am here. We stayed up into the wee hours of the night the other night and talked and talked. It was incredible. She will miss that. Today, I got to take her to the doctor for a physical. Such a small task that most parents take for granted. Not me. I cherish every single moment that we spend. I already miss that. She will miss me. I so don't want to let her go again. I know I won't be far and I am always a phone call away, it's just not the same as having "mom" there. Not the same as cooking supper together, waking her up in the morning, tucking her in at night, tip-toeing in to watch her sleep. Just the mundane acts that families do together I have just gotten to taste of again, only to have to give up. I can't believe how selfish that man is being. Am I that difficult to live with, that he has to deprive the child of having a real mom ? It would seem so. I really am just totally dazed, confused and alone. I almost wish I still did the drugs at least it numbed the pain....and what did I gain by stopping? I forget.

Rediscovering Motherhood

It's a shame that my sixteen year daughter, Grace, has to hurt so terribly. She is being rezoned for school. So all her friends, extracurricular activities like band and softball, and her boyfriend will be left behind. She knows its a new beginning with a chance to open many new doors and new relationships, but it's so hard for her leaving the old ones behind. Of course they will still be there but not in the same way. She will still have the boyfriend, but he will be at her old school. She will still be in the band, but not one of the top established high school bands in the area. She will still have softball, but new school, new kids, new teachers...We so wanted to skirt the rules and allow her to continue her education at the old one. But after weighing the whole situation, her Dad, Grandma and I came to the unanimous decision that it was worth causing her extreme sadness and
pain in order NOT to teach her that if you don't like the rules you can just go around them. That is not a lesson that you want to teach your child of any age. You teach them to "change" the rules that you don't like. Not to break them.

The part I am wrestling with the most...It was incredible to be part of the decision making again. Her Dad and I really worked together on this one. I hate being so overjoyed that today she actually came to me and confided in me at how she felt. Because she is so distraught over this. But, she did come to me. Today I feel like once again I gave birth. I am sitting here crying tears of joy...because I was a part of this whole family crisis and my opinion was listened to and respected by the whole family, even Mark's mother. She and I have history. I just wish it wasn't at Grace's expense. I have the utmost confidence that my daughter will turn this around and be a better stronger person for going through this. I just wish for once something would be EASY for her. Her whole life has been a string of trials, and that is my fault entirely. Well her Dad as well, but 90% mine.

What is home?

It's been so long since I have felt "at home" that I am not really sure what having a home and family feels like. It's been years. Since I was married actually.That was 22years ago. The sad part is that I took it for granted. I never thought about it. Now that I don't have either a home or a family it's all I can think about. I mean I have had places that I call "home", but I don't feel like I did when I was a kid and had a home. It's hard to describe that feeling. It's a confidence unmatched by anything..You can live in a million dollar mansion and not feel "at home".It's been so difficult for me this week. I was so incredibly happy on Tuesday, thinking that finally Mark and I were going to be a family with Grace and that I would finally not just have a place to live but that I would finally once again have a true honest to God "home". The world was at my feet, and I was ready to take on anything. I could have conquered the world. I feel as if the rug has once again been snatched out from under me. I love him so much it hurts. I am so going to miss sneaking a peek at Grace in the middle of the night as she slept. Being their every day with her. Finally, I had my baby back. I already miss waking up beside Mark(I have been sleeping on the couch because I can hardly look him in the eye after what he has done much less lay with him), and holding hands as we fell asleep...to me THAT was coming home. I can't believe this nightmare. I wish I would wake up like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Because there really is: No place like home.

It's been so long since I have felt "at home" that I am not really sure what having a home and family feels like. It's been years. Since I was married actually.That was 22years ago. The sad part is that I took it for granted. I never thought about it. Now that I don't have either a home or a family it's all I can think about. I mean I have had places that I call "home", but I don't feel like I did when I was a kid and had a home. I'ts hard to describe that feeling. It's a confidence unmatched by anything..You can live in a million dollar mansion and not feel "at home".It's been so difficult for me this week. I was so incredibly happy on Tuesday, thinking that finally Mark and I were going to be a family with Grace and that I would finally not just have a place to live but that I would finally once again have a true honest to God "home". The world was at my feet, and I was ready to take on anything. I could have conquered the world. I feel as if the rug has once again been snatched out from under me. I love him so much it hurts. I am so going to miss sneaking a peek at Grace in the middle of the night as she sleeps. Being their every day with her. Finally, I thought I had my baby back. I already miss waking up beside Mark(I have been sleeping on the couch because I can hardly look him in the eye after what he has done much less lay with him), and holding hands as we fell asleep...to me THAT was coming home. I can't believe this nightmare. I wish I would wake up like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Because there really is:

No place like home.

dealbreakers

What is a "dealbreaker"? This is what I have to decide...I am putting alot of thought into this one. I really think this is it...The way Mark freaked out at the thought of me moving in permanently may very well be a dealbreaker for me. I refuse to think that I am going to live alone for the rest of my life. As much as I love him, I am seriously considering ending this relationship and for good. I am too old for this, and so is he. It has run it's course and has no where else to go. I am a vibrant, sexy, intelligent 45 year old with a lot to offer. I just might have to settle for finding someone else. Who knows that may just be God's plan. I am still planning to be his friend. I don't want to fight about this. I just see absolutly no reason for us to continue having a relationship that is stagnant. For crying out loud after 18yrs you know if you wanna be with someone or not. He obviously doesn't and is afraid to hurt my feelings. I've got news for him. He would have hurt me alot less if he had been straight with me from jump street and just said he wanted a physical relationship with no strings attached.. I deserve better than this, and I refuse to settle for less. I want a partner in life. I won't be misled into thinking that there is anything wrong with that. There isn't...Just cause he's content to be alone in life doesn't mean that the rest of the planet feels that way. I certainly don't.
Today I got a lot of busy work done, and even made time to volunteer at the YMCA for a few hours. Mainly so I could be away from here and not have to face him. The less we talk at this point the better. I am still hurt and don't want him to see me cry like a baby anymore. And I don't wanna say anything else I will regret later. Just because he has hurt me, doesn't mean I wanna hurt him. So the less time I spend with him the better. I need to begin to pull away from him physically and emotionally. At least until I am sure that I want to let this go. Frankly, I really think it is best that I do...I don't think my heart can take any more from him...the thing is if I were making enough money to be "responsible" and could afford my bills he would expect me to buy a house and still live alone, and I,on the other hand, would live in a card board box and be perfectly happy just to wake up next to him. Now granted I am exaggerating for effect but you get the idea. He's using my dire straits as an excuse for us not to be together. I guess I was hoping to use it as an excuse to be together and God would go from there. I feel kinda like an idiot for being wrong. I honestly had no idea he resented me so much...Seems every time, I need him he makes a notch on his scorecard. I thought his scorecard had been long thrown away. He just had it stuck in his back pocket.

And then I awoke from the beautiful dream...

...and entered back to the nightmare I have so fondly come to know as my reality. I was absolutely wrong...I have nothing to fear at all. I don't have to worry about screwing this up at all. Because apparently he could care less where I live. Just as long as it's not with him and my child. Whoa. I honestly didn't see that coming. I should have. I know, but I didn't. Well, maybe I kinda did and that's why this whole thing has gone unspoken. Somewhere in the depths of my heart I think I knew that he didn't want me here with him. I just couldn't bare to hear the words and as long as he didn't say it out loud then it wasn't true.

He can't understand why I cried like a baby and berated me for it. He said I am acting like a two year old throwing a fit because she can't have her way. Why do I cry? I cry because my hearts broken. Yeah, I suppose he's right. I am not getting what I want. Someone that loves me enough to wanna know that I am ok, and loves me enough to want to be there for me when I need him without having to ask. And someone who want's to spend his life with the woman he supposedly loves. Right now I am just crying cause I have no idea what I am going to do. once again, I didn't have to have him help me. I wanted him to want to. I wanted a partner in this mess. Yes, it's my mess and I take full responsibility for it. But does that sentence me to life imprisoned alone? Am I so broken that I have nothing to offer anyone? He didn't think that this morning... Guess I will start looking at rooms to rent, I am gonna need a place to live. And I have to start seriously thinking about exploring other options with this relationship. If it's never gonna go any further than this then I am at a point in my life that I don't want this. I am too old and too tired to spend the rest of my life alone...And if I must be alone for now then I need to be alone by myself and not with Mark.

Starting Over-Day one

I should be overwhelmed with joy. Finally my life smells like the first day of spring after a long cold dark winter. Yet, I can hardly describe what I am feeling today as happiness. The words I'd use: FRIGHT, ANXIETY, EXTREME CAUTION, AND PURE NAUSEA.
See, the right thing is happening- I am moving in full time for a while with my soul mate and our sixteen year old finally, after eighteen years of being together off and on and playing weekend warriors. But I am doing it for all the wrong reasons- I screwed up and got evicted. I couldn't pay my rent after paying an extremely large ticket for having no car insurance. (that's a story in itself)

You could say I am another casualty of Obama's sad economy. You could, but you'd be a liar. Every financial problem I am suffering right now is my own damn fault. A few years ago I found myself trying to self medicate to kill my emotional and physical pain with painkillers. I killed it alright, but along with killing the pain a few innocent bystanders were murdered as well. Including my relation-ship with Mark and our daughter Grace (not their real names), my nursing career, and my self-esteem. All dead. It took a long time and a very large bitter slice of humble pie to resurrect those relationships and my career I simply buried. So now I find myself about to embark on the adventure of a lifetime.(at least my lifetime) I want to be happy about it. I do, But communication has not been the shiniest tool in our box. Mark and I are no where near ready to take this step. . . and I swore that I would never live with him again unless we were married. He doesn't want this either. How can I dare be happy?

Then there is the knowledge that if we screw this up this time--that's it. End of fairytale. How do we not screw this up? And now if I don't move in with him knowing I need a place to live, then why the heck are we together anyway? If I only stay temporarily (that's the plan) then it says I have no faith in us as a couple. I am not sure that I have much faith in us as a couple. I want to. I just am afraid to trust what I think he feels and when he tells me how he feels I don't understand it.

I think we could make this work with ALOT of effort and hard work from the both of us. At least I am willing to try. So far so good, I have been there a week and things seem to be going well...But I am afraid to ask. We really haven't even discussed it. Neither of us want to actually say it out loud. Sometimes I wonder if this isn't God's twisted sense of humor forcing the two of us to give Grace a real family with a mom and dad in the same house. Even she is antsy about this.

It's not as if we are not in love. We are very much in love, and other than being afraid to let ourselves be happy, it's been great. Our relationship recently is better than it has ever been. Especially in the bedroom. However Mark's mother and twenty four year old daughter Kelly are going to have a cow! They are going to really test his loyalty. I only hope he can stick up for what he is doing being the right thing. It's a shame he is going to have to face that. It really is not fair that they put him in the middle...and make him feel guilty for being in love with me and sticking with me like he has through thick and thin. After all aren't you supposed to love, honor and cherish each other for richer/poorer, sickness/health, better/worse as long as you both shall live? He has done a beautiful job living up to those vows even though he won't say them out loud in front of the priest.

We shall see...let me go and pack and pray.

Welcome

Hello and welcome to my new blog space. I look forward to sharing my life, stories, ideas, and opinions with you. Surely you will find them as fascinating and fun-filled as I do.lol. I have never attempted a blog before so bear with me as I bare my soul.
Pointers and opinions are welcome. Criticism is not, no matter how constructive as you will learn I am a tender-hearted insecure soul. I will have my profile and opening completed soon.