Dazed and Confused

The saga continues...Things don't appear to be improving on the "home front". Of course, I guess if you have no home then "home front" is a kind of oxymoronic idiom. I know, I am feeling sorry for myself...AGAIN. I seem to be doing an awful lot of that lately. I realize that it is such an unbecoming characteristic, especially when you really want to be appealing. I think I should give up entirely on that note. Appearantly, Mark is not the one. He said to me the other day, "so what, you want me to support you?". I said,"of course not!" I lied. Financially, no. I don't but emotionally. Yeah, I would like him to put forth a smidge of effort. I don't get it. I want to understand his point of view. I really do. It's just that when I listen to his reasoning. All that I hear is that I am just not good enough, or I don't make enough money, or I am just too big of a screw-up. I really don't understand. People keep asking me. "Why if you and Mark are together, do you need a place to live?" What can I say?: " I don't know." "We aren't ready?" Does this mean if I was on my feet, making a good living,and being "responsible" that if we were married and something happened and I got Obamatized and laid off that he would divorce me? How could I have any faith that he wouldn't with what he has shown me now? When I need him most he resents the hell out of me or simply chooses not to be there.
I know they think he is awful. Sometimes I do too. I have always been able to make excuses for our strange relationship in the past. This time I am finding that harder and harder to do. Hell, I have had at least half a dozen offers from other men. Granted, according to Mark's opinion as soon as they got to know me that they would kick me out. Now I do have one good friend, Danna. I have told her the entire story, not withholding my downfall and failings over the past years. She still thinks that I am foolish for even considering to continue any kind of relationship with Mark. I know in my heart that we are virtually over and that he is just biding his time with me until he can find a way to end this dignity. Or drag it out so he can see me when he needs his physical needs met. That's not fair. I know he loves me. At least I thought he did...So, why can't we be a family? What the hell is so wrong with us getting married and being a family. Grace deserves that. She has been through so much. These last few weeks that I have been here she has told me how glad she is that I am here. We stayed up into the wee hours of the night the other night and talked and talked. It was incredible. She will miss that. Today, I got to take her to the doctor for a physical. Such a small task that most parents take for granted. Not me. I cherish every single moment that we spend. I already miss that. She will miss me. I so don't want to let her go again. I know I won't be far and I am always a phone call away, it's just not the same as having "mom" there. Not the same as cooking supper together, waking her up in the morning, tucking her in at night, tip-toeing in to watch her sleep. Just the mundane acts that families do together I have just gotten to taste of again, only to have to give up. I can't believe how selfish that man is being. Am I that difficult to live with, that he has to deprive the child of having a real mom ? It would seem so. I really am just totally dazed, confused and alone. I almost wish I still did the drugs at least it numbed the pain....and what did I gain by stopping? I forget.