Starting Over-Day one

I should be overwhelmed with joy. Finally my life smells like the first day of spring after a long cold dark winter. Yet, I can hardly describe what I am feeling today as happiness. The words I'd use: FRIGHT, ANXIETY, EXTREME CAUTION, AND PURE NAUSEA.
See, the right thing is happening- I am moving in full time for a while with my soul mate and our sixteen year old finally, after eighteen years of being together off and on and playing weekend warriors. But I am doing it for all the wrong reasons- I screwed up and got evicted. I couldn't pay my rent after paying an extremely large ticket for having no car insurance. (that's a story in itself)

You could say I am another casualty of Obama's sad economy. You could, but you'd be a liar. Every financial problem I am suffering right now is my own damn fault. A few years ago I found myself trying to self medicate to kill my emotional and physical pain with painkillers. I killed it alright, but along with killing the pain a few innocent bystanders were murdered as well. Including my relation-ship with Mark and our daughter Grace (not their real names), my nursing career, and my self-esteem. All dead. It took a long time and a very large bitter slice of humble pie to resurrect those relationships and my career I simply buried. So now I find myself about to embark on the adventure of a lifetime.(at least my lifetime) I want to be happy about it. I do, But communication has not been the shiniest tool in our box. Mark and I are no where near ready to take this step. . . and I swore that I would never live with him again unless we were married. He doesn't want this either. How can I dare be happy?

Then there is the knowledge that if we screw this up this time--that's it. End of fairytale. How do we not screw this up? And now if I don't move in with him knowing I need a place to live, then why the heck are we together anyway? If I only stay temporarily (that's the plan) then it says I have no faith in us as a couple. I am not sure that I have much faith in us as a couple. I want to. I just am afraid to trust what I think he feels and when he tells me how he feels I don't understand it.

I think we could make this work with ALOT of effort and hard work from the both of us. At least I am willing to try. So far so good, I have been there a week and things seem to be going well...But I am afraid to ask. We really haven't even discussed it. Neither of us want to actually say it out loud. Sometimes I wonder if this isn't God's twisted sense of humor forcing the two of us to give Grace a real family with a mom and dad in the same house. Even she is antsy about this.

It's not as if we are not in love. We are very much in love, and other than being afraid to let ourselves be happy, it's been great. Our relationship recently is better than it has ever been. Especially in the bedroom. However Mark's mother and twenty four year old daughter Kelly are going to have a cow! They are going to really test his loyalty. I only hope he can stick up for what he is doing being the right thing. It's a shame he is going to have to face that. It really is not fair that they put him in the middle...and make him feel guilty for being in love with me and sticking with me like he has through thick and thin. After all aren't you supposed to love, honor and cherish each other for richer/poorer, sickness/health, better/worse as long as you both shall live? He has done a beautiful job living up to those vows even though he won't say them out loud in front of the priest.

We shall see...let me go and pack and pray.