dealbreakers

What is a "dealbreaker"? This is what I have to decide...I am putting alot of thought into this one. I really think this is it...The way Mark freaked out at the thought of me moving in permanently may very well be a dealbreaker for me. I refuse to think that I am going to live alone for the rest of my life. As much as I love him, I am seriously considering ending this relationship and for good. I am too old for this, and so is he. It has run it's course and has no where else to go. I am a vibrant, sexy, intelligent 45 year old with a lot to offer. I just might have to settle for finding someone else. Who knows that may just be God's plan. I am still planning to be his friend. I don't want to fight about this. I just see absolutly no reason for us to continue having a relationship that is stagnant. For crying out loud after 18yrs you know if you wanna be with someone or not. He obviously doesn't and is afraid to hurt my feelings. I've got news for him. He would have hurt me alot less if he had been straight with me from jump street and just said he wanted a physical relationship with no strings attached.. I deserve better than this, and I refuse to settle for less. I want a partner in life. I won't be misled into thinking that there is anything wrong with that. There isn't...Just cause he's content to be alone in life doesn't mean that the rest of the planet feels that way. I certainly don't.
Today I got a lot of busy work done, and even made time to volunteer at the YMCA for a few hours. Mainly so I could be away from here and not have to face him. The less we talk at this point the better. I am still hurt and don't want him to see me cry like a baby anymore. And I don't wanna say anything else I will regret later. Just because he has hurt me, doesn't mean I wanna hurt him. So the less time I spend with him the better. I need to begin to pull away from him physically and emotionally. At least until I am sure that I want to let this go. Frankly, I really think it is best that I do...I don't think my heart can take any more from him...the thing is if I were making enough money to be "responsible" and could afford my bills he would expect me to buy a house and still live alone, and I,on the other hand, would live in a card board box and be perfectly happy just to wake up next to him. Now granted I am exaggerating for effect but you get the idea. He's using my dire straits as an excuse for us not to be together. I guess I was hoping to use it as an excuse to be together and God would go from there. I feel kinda like an idiot for being wrong. I honestly had no idea he resented me so much...Seems every time, I need him he makes a notch on his scorecard. I thought his scorecard had been long thrown away. He just had it stuck in his back pocket.