I seem to be stuck...or at least it feels that way. I have been in a deep depression for the last couple of monthes. It's all I can do to get out of bed and go to work...I know what I want and where I want my life to go...I just don't know where to start and I am not sure that I have the means to get there....It's like standing in front of the ocean, knowing you have to get to the other side, afraid to step into the water because you know you can't possibly swim that far....

Magic

It's just a magical time to be alive. The snow we got this weekend, being so loved on Valentine's Day. I seem to be overwelmed with joy. The promise I made to "Mark" a few weeks ago: not mentioning the "Marriage" word for a few monthes, is getting easier. It was ridiculously hard at first. How do you stop talking about the one dream that means more to you than life itself? But now that the pressure seems to be lifted from him, he must be finally finding the joy in me again. I now see the love in his eyes he has for me, I feel it in his touch once again and I can almost taste it in his kisses.

I no longer find the need to "rag" him about it at every turn and it seems to have helped tremendously.

Things between he and I are better than they have been in soo long.

It's amazing to me that we have been at this for almost twenty years now, and I am still as in love with him as I was the day he came up behind me at work while I did a crossword puzzle and whispered the answer in my ear. From that moment on I was hooked. I knew he was my soulmate and that no matter what, I would spend the rest of my life loving this man. It's as if God created him souly to be my partner in life. No one else will ever surfice. He is my best friend, my confidant, the best lover I have ever known and knowing he feels the same way of me can never be replaced by any ring or piece of paper. I still long for the day that we make it official, but I know it will come in due time. First his middle daughter must come around. And believe it or not I do believe that it will happen soon enough....I wouldn't dare even want to marry him if it meant alienating her....It wouldn't be worth it. So, I place it in God's hands. May she find a way to want her father to be happy and married to the woman he loves....

Letter to a friend...

A "friend of mine" posted the following on facebook, and this was my response:

IT'S A SHAME THAT SOME PEOPLE LIVE FOR YEARS AND NEVER ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING BUT ALWAYS SAY PEOPLE MISTREAT THEM ,GET UP AND DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF STOP LOOKING FOR PEOPLE TO DO FOR YOU WHEN ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS WANT SOMETHING OUT OF LIFE FOR YOU. IF YOU ARE OVER 40 AND STILL HAS NOTHING SOMETHING IS WRONG SO FRIENDS PLEASE CHECK YOURSELF AND GET YOUR OWN!!!!!

I am truly sorry that I had to work and was unable to attend this weekend. I sincerely don't think that it was and I hope that your post was not directed to me, but I must tell you I took a little offense because it very well COULD have been me that you were describing. Because of a combination of my own mistakes (of which I wouldn't change because I learned some wonderful life lessons and they made me the woman I am today) and because of some unfortunate life circumstances, I am 45 years old and depending on how you describe SUCCESS I don't have a pot to pee-pee in. I have a broken down 1995 Saturn that is on it's last leg, I work as a shift supervisor at IHOP and rent a room from a lovely elderly couple in Martinez. However, I am rich beyond belief with love from my family, and friends. I have learned that "money" and the love thereof doesn't define you or make you happy. There are much more important things in life. I have struggled just to stay alive these past few years, there were nights I went to bed crying because I had no clue how I would pay my rent or where my next meal would come from. I was TOO proud to be "government funded" and had too much CLASS to depend on a MAN (nothing better than being legal prostitution) for these things. Were it not but for the grace of GOD and a few good loving friends HE sent me to help me, I would probably be sleeping in the streets right now. But that being said...from the viewpoint of others it may seem that I am one of those LOSERS you talk of, but I am proud of the accomplishments I have made as small as they may seem. And although I don't own a big fancy house, a new car or a career any longer, you can't take those things with you when you go. I can rest with ease at night though knowing that the things I HAVE will carry on long after I leave this world.


Tina, I don't know who upset you or who hurt you...but I hope that you will take a step back back and think about what you said. Not everyone who is worth a crap has those things. There ARE even those who YOU would define as SUCCESSFUL, that I would not pee on if they were on fire, because money and success have turned them into cold, cruel, gossiping, deceitful, unloving, and in my opinion sorry excuses for human beings. Part of my life lesson was learning that so many people from all walks of life have so much to offer the world even if they don't have a dime to their name. I had to learn true honest to God "humility", and it wasn't easy to swallow. Define people by their character, not their social class.

I hope this doesn't make you angry, it wasn't meant to. It was only meant to share some insight from someone who has been there, done that and couldn't afford the T-shirt.

I love you girl, and I hope whomever hurt you will apologize. But I had to tell you where I stand on this...No, "Amen!" from the back pew here, what you wrote 'sounded' mean. I know you better than that.



Love you,

Michelle

Reid's "RACISM" gimme a break

Hold up. Resign? Last time I checked we had freedom of speech in this country. Or at least we used to. Let's review "what" he said....  First of all he said Obama was electable, gee that turned out true. Secondly, He said Obama was light-skinned...wait let me check...oh my..he is! ok and he said he doesn't speak with a "negro dialect" hold on...wait...he's right he doesn't..Unless he's on the court. hmmm these aren't "racist" remarks, they are true statements..and I don't see any malace in them..I think there are more important, and real issues in this country to tend to. Like joblessness and terrorism.