Determination or stupidity...

I often wonder if my stubborness can be considered "determination" or shear stupidity.

I obviously decided not to quit my job, although I have filled out

a few on-line applications.

I really do enjoy what I do. Although I always saw myself

to smart to be a server at a pancake house. I actually belong to

mensa with the IQ of near genius. Talk about underachieving.

Is it that I am afraid to fail? Probably more like fear of success.

My ego was totally shot when I lost my last nursing job. I always

identified myself as a nurse. It's actually kinda cool doing something easy like serving pancakes.

I was an excellent nurse, but a lousy game player. I had some real difficulty playing office politics. I am too hot headed especially when I see others not doing their job. I mean if a fellow waitress screws up all the harm that will come is pissing a customer off. If a fellow nurse doesn't do their job they could very well kill someone. I found it very frustrating to say the least. I found myself angry almost every day. I couldn't believe the number of healthcare professionals who simply didn't give a rat's ass about their patients. Especially doctors. They practice medicine out of a checkbook, just so they can get reimbersed from medicare and insurance companies. And with the new dictator we have in office, I only see the situation becoming worse....It's already a mess with people selling medical supplies that aren't needed just because "medicare will pay for it". Others are denied the actually care and tests they really need because some suit in an office who has never studied medicine deems it "unnecessisary". It was exhausting just to watch!

I really do wish I could have found someone to work for who shared these ideals. I never did. So I will stay a broke waitress for a while.

Hey, if there are any physicians in the Augusta area, who still believe in healing patients despite insurance companies and medicare, who still believe in taking care of the whole person, and actually listen to what the patient, family and the nurse tell them, let me know if you would like to hire a very intelligent, hard-working, out-spoken nurse who nurses with her heart.

The right tool for the right job

I hate my job and very well may quit today. My boss gives me a job to do that is undoable. She tells me to dig a big hole, hands me a fork...then stands behind me with the shovel awaiting my failure...I need her to hand ME the shovel. In other words unless she gives me the right tools to perform my job I won't be able to.
I sincerely hope that is not her intentions.

Somedays being nice, going beyond the call of duty just sucks. Especially when you haven't got any more to give. I am physically-spent...you are welcome mr.

Obama did what?

Now I have heard of dumb ideas...but this takes the cake. Please explain to me why in this day and age of video conferencing would he spend almost a half million dollars(Yes, a half million) to fly him, his car and his entourage to New Orleans to "discuss" what to do about Katrina's continuing damage.
Here's an idea! Why not spend a few bucks on a phone or video conference and spend the half million to assist with rebuild?
Well, needless to say, he didn't ask me first or I would have told him.
How do you spell stupid?  US GOVERNMENT

Drama, Drama, Drama! I give up

And to top that I also found out yesterday that I  have to find a new place to live...before Thanksgiving! I really was happy here...But the man told me yesterday that I am losing my room for 4days Thanksgiving weekend. That means I am once again homeless or at least it feels like it. I mean if I have to pack up my entire room (that I just finished putting together) for four days everytime he has company. Well, that's no home...I certainly am not gonna leave all my stuff in it for God knows who to plunder through. I don't know these people. I would feel very funny about it. And if I am "renting" this room, then I really shouldn't have to do that. Especially when he knows I have no where else to go, and I can hardly afford to pay him the money I owe him right now, much less get a hotel for 4days....I wonder if I had let him stick his tongue down my throat if he would have done this...I think he is hinting for me to move. At least that is the feeling that I get. Even the cheapest ones are out of my price range. What I am gonna have to end up doing is putting all my stuff in storage, tell him that I rented a hotel and sleep in the car. Maybe Mark will at least let me take a shower at his house...Although he is mad at me too right now. He had better get in line though. There are about 42 people ahead of him today....

Don't Pee on my leg and try to tell me it's raining...

How nieve' am I? I truly thought that the gentleman, and I now use that term very loosely, that I am renting from was just that! I truly thought of him as a father figure, a good "christian" man, who just honestly was only looking to serve God by helping others get back on their feet. I once again feel I have been duped! This 78yr old man actually tried to stick his tongue in my mouth, told me that he and his "wife" had only a business type arrangement and there was "no love there" and then proceeded to tell me that although he had been "impotent" for years that since I have been here, he felt the first "stirring" in his loins. Well, I quickly turned down his advances. I told him it was only temptation from the devil and reguardless he was in fact, a married man. I told him that what he was feeling was wrong and I thought too much of his wife to betray her. He tried to say,"there is nothing wrong with what I feel". Then I really had to pull the God card and told him to discuss the matter with his wife and pastor and get back to me. And to add insult to injury he asked if I was acting different because he lent me money. I told him that,"you kinda freaked me out and scared me with all that business and it had NOTHING to do with lending me money and instead of apologizing he had the nerve to tell me yesterday that I "MISUNDERSTOOD" his intentions????? Just what part of him attempting to stick his tongue down my throat didn't I understand. PLEASE!! Now, I am not stupid, don't like to be treated as if I am, and I would have had a whole lot more respect for this man had he just been somewhat honest and claimed he'd had a moment of weakness, that he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. Now, understand this man is in "church" every time the doors are open. So, not only has he shaken my judgement of people, but he has seriously shaken my Faith...Then to insult my intelligence, he tells me I misunderstood. I am hurt beyond belief! The scary thing is I am having to walk on eggshells, he has somewhat of a pouty temper...I don't wanna end up on the street. I gotta get outa here and fast. I truly thought he thought of me as a daughter, and that gives me the creeps that he would put me in this position knowing that I have no where else to go.


Then today he tells me that I have to "disappear" for 3days during the Thanksgiving Holiday. Now what am I supposed to do? I can't afford a hotel room! I am supposed to be "renting" a room, not renting when it's convienient. And what about my things? Am I supposed to leave them here for strangers to go through? I don't think so...I will have to pack it up I guess. God ,I am SO mad at you, I thought you sent me a friend and an angel, and now I find you sent me a dirty old man who is now embarrassed that he couldn't get in my pants! I guess this is his way of hinting that I should move out...Well, I certainly hope he really didn't think I would have that kind of relationship with him...I guess some women would... But no thank you....I am not that hungry, and I will live in my car first....I really thought he was different...

Tests and Trials

Sometimes what we are looking for can be right in front of us and we don't even see it. I haven't really acted on it, but a gentlemen that I have been giving a ride to for the past few monthes has voiced his interest in seeing me. I have considered the idea, but wanted to break all ties with Mark first. I don't want to hurt this man. And I certainly hate to hurt Mark, but it's not as if he hasn't had the option. He knows what I want and how I feel. I think it may be time to truly move on. It's amazing the thoughts that a stolen kiss can run through your mind. He seems genuine, honest, hard working and definately attractive. I am feeling like a high-school girl with a crush complete with butterflies. There IS a racial issue. Not for us, but for others around us. Jealousy and attutudes are certainly giving us some tests and trials. Even just being friends. But in the last few monthes we have become fast friends...I hope Mark realizes what he is about to lose to another...Maybe I am onto something incredible here. I am just going to take this slow and let it blossom on it's own.