And then I awoke from the beautiful dream...

...and entered back to the nightmare I have so fondly come to know as my reality. I was absolutely wrong...I have nothing to fear at all. I don't have to worry about screwing this up at all. Because apparently he could care less where I live. Just as long as it's not with him and my child. Whoa. I honestly didn't see that coming. I should have. I know, but I didn't. Well, maybe I kinda did and that's why this whole thing has gone unspoken. Somewhere in the depths of my heart I think I knew that he didn't want me here with him. I just couldn't bare to hear the words and as long as he didn't say it out loud then it wasn't true.

He can't understand why I cried like a baby and berated me for it. He said I am acting like a two year old throwing a fit because she can't have her way. Why do I cry? I cry because my hearts broken. Yeah, I suppose he's right. I am not getting what I want. Someone that loves me enough to wanna know that I am ok, and loves me enough to want to be there for me when I need him without having to ask. And someone who want's to spend his life with the woman he supposedly loves. Right now I am just crying cause I have no idea what I am going to do. once again, I didn't have to have him help me. I wanted him to want to. I wanted a partner in this mess. Yes, it's my mess and I take full responsibility for it. But does that sentence me to life imprisoned alone? Am I so broken that I have nothing to offer anyone? He didn't think that this morning... Guess I will start looking at rooms to rent, I am gonna need a place to live. And I have to start seriously thinking about exploring other options with this relationship. If it's never gonna go any further than this then I am at a point in my life that I don't want this. I am too old and too tired to spend the rest of my life alone...And if I must be alone for now then I need to be alone by myself and not with Mark.