Baby it's cold outside....and it's beginning to look alot like Christmas...Contrary to popular belief I have a love-hate relationship to this time of year. It arouses fond memories of yesteryears. As a child my Mother and Nana saw to it that Christmas-time was sheer magic, down to every small detail. From making decorated sugar cookies to leave for Santa, to walking around the neighborhood caroling, to riding in the car looking at Christmas lights. That's why I find it very hard, no matter how hard I try to be depressed this time of year. Even the past few years when I didn't even participate in the holidays at all, I still couldn't help but smile just in remembrance.
This year promises to be different. I AM working, so even though I don't have very much money, I am able to purchase a few gifts. Mark and I are actually "together" and although it's slow and methodical he does seem to be weaving me into he and Grace's life more and more. I am trying to be positive. I struggle daily with thoughts of giving up. Then something happens, he does something incredibly nice or looks at me a certain way and my heart melts all over again and hope takes over.
Hope, it seems to be all that I have.
The other nite I spent the night with him and Grace. Waking up in his arms was a gift. I just wish that he shared the longing to do that every day. I simply don't understand why he doesn't. Or if he does, why he cannot overcome the fear that he has. The fear of rejection, the fear of dissappointing his family. It's so not fair to be so much in love, to be so happy and yet so miserable at the same time. I feel as if I am constantly living in limbo. Waiting...I have been waiting now for twenty years. I must be stupid. Yet, everytime I swear I am gonna give up and leave the relationship for good, he pulls me back in.
God, once and for all do your thing. Give me the strength to leave him for good, and send me someone worthy of spending my life with or smack him in the back of the head and make him realize what he has done...
Hope, it seems to be all that I have.
The other nite I spent the night with him and Grace. Waking up in his arms was a gift. I just wish that he shared the longing to do that every day. I simply don't understand why he doesn't. Or if he does, why he cannot overcome the fear that he has. The fear of rejection, the fear of dissappointing his family. It's so not fair to be so much in love, to be so happy and yet so miserable at the same time. I feel as if I am constantly living in limbo. Waiting...I have been waiting now for twenty years. I must be stupid. Yet, everytime I swear I am gonna give up and leave the relationship for good, he pulls me back in.
God, once and for all do your thing. Give me the strength to leave him for good, and send me someone worthy of spending my life with or smack him in the back of the head and make him realize what he has done...
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